#5: Lesson Learned

Scene
Alfred Lord Tennyson once penned:
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Thus far in my limited life, I have loved once. And lost. It hurts. Heartache is true. The most agonizing and painful part of this love lost was seeing the distance slowly widening. Casey was a real special gal. I know it's cheesy and cliche and sensationalized, but once I felt "it," I just knew. I'm not trying to exaggerate, but she really had me at the first sight, at the first hello, at the smile, at the first of several 6 hour phone conversations that ended at 4AM. There was never a day that went by that I did not think of Casey and how lucky I was to be with the most wonderful gal.

But as med school loomed, I became preoccupied with the applications, the back up plans, the failures, and eventually med school itself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I really did. Rejections upon rejections. Dreams crushed again and again. Coming into college, I felt I was some big shot with 50 AP credits and believed I could finish undergrad in 2 years and matriculate into med school in 3. That plan was shot. I took a lot of flak from...myself. I incessantly dwelt on "Why can't I get into med school?" I beat myself up and slowly I desensitized myself from happiness only to mire in shortcomings. Instead of taking the negatives and turning them into positives and looking forward to new opportunities, I burdened myself with the grim past and obsessively tried to figure out damage control or spotty patchwork to somehow roll the train into the med school station.

This pitiful behavior slowly penetrated into various areas. I hit a block, a wall of self-pity and apathy brewed by my disappointment of med school applications and subsequently putting way way way way too much pressure and stress on myself to do exceptionally well in med school. I felt that each time I was short of reaching my expectations, I obsessed so much about what I did wrong and why I did wrong. I told myself, "You suck. Stop sucking. Why did you fuck up?" But, I never did anything to fix the underlying problem. Instead I patched the symptoms: maybe try to study earlier, maybe look into more activities...blah blah blah. The main underlying problem was: wallowing in the negatives and not moving on. Overthinking so much about the past that once the future comes, I don't know exactly what to do. I was too weak and down that I didn't take proactive steps to enjoy the future, but rather trying to fix the past.

Instead of proactively listening and inventing new ways to surprise Casey and to show her I loved her, I did things that were good enough. I lived in the past for way too long and routinely did the same things with Casey. I apologized for my shortcomings and mistakes, but focused so much on preventing them that I didn't introduce anything new. Again, damage control, living in the past, and not enjoying the future. I couldn't move on from my mistakes in the relationship although I sincerely apologized each time. I beat myself down way too much because I cared about Casey so much that I played it way too conservatively safe and just solely tried to correct my faults. The jig got old and slowly we drifted apart in the relationship.

Instead, I should have looked forward and tried new things. As I've always told myself, "You only regret the things you didn't do." True enough, that was the case. During the years, I wanted to pick her up after she greeted me at the door, kiss her deeply, and tell her that I love her. I wanted to come up and hold from behind overlooking the sunset horizon at Assateague. Instead of apologizing for not calling her, I wanted to drive home even for just one night, give her surprise hug, and hold her through the night.

I've learned that lesson the hard way, and I lost dearly. I take that lesson to heart and I really enjoy the friendship with Casey.

You mean the world to me.

Question
What was the hardest lesson you've learned from a relationship? Why was it hard for you to learn?