Scene
180 Degrees South. Watch it.
I want to see Patagonia before I kick the bucket.
Question
If you were to backpack to somewhere, where would you go? I need ideas.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
#5: Lesson Learned
Scene
Alfred Lord Tennyson once penned:
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Thus far in my limited life, I have loved once. And lost. It hurts. Heartache is true. The most agonizing and painful part of this love lost was seeing the distance slowly widening. Casey was a real special gal. I know it's cheesy and cliche and sensationalized, but once I felt "it," I just knew. I'm not trying to exaggerate, but she really had me at the first sight, at the first hello, at the smile, at the first of several 6 hour phone conversations that ended at 4AM. There was never a day that went by that I did not think of Casey and how lucky I was to be with the most wonderful gal.
But as med school loomed, I became preoccupied with the applications, the back up plans, the failures, and eventually med school itself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I really did. Rejections upon rejections. Dreams crushed again and again. Coming into college, I felt I was some big shot with 50 AP credits and believed I could finish undergrad in 2 years and matriculate into med school in 3. That plan was shot. I took a lot of flak from...myself. I incessantly dwelt on "Why can't I get into med school?" I beat myself up and slowly I desensitized myself from happiness only to mire in shortcomings. Instead of taking the negatives and turning them into positives and looking forward to new opportunities, I burdened myself with the grim past and obsessively tried to figure out damage control or spotty patchwork to somehow roll the train into the med school station.
This pitiful behavior slowly penetrated into various areas. I hit a block, a wall of self-pity and apathy brewed by my disappointment of med school applications and subsequently putting way way way way too much pressure and stress on myself to do exceptionally well in med school. I felt that each time I was short of reaching my expectations, I obsessed so much about what I did wrong and why I did wrong. I told myself, "You suck. Stop sucking. Why did you fuck up?" But, I never did anything to fix the underlying problem. Instead I patched the symptoms: maybe try to study earlier, maybe look into more activities...blah blah blah. The main underlying problem was: wallowing in the negatives and not moving on. Overthinking so much about the past that once the future comes, I don't know exactly what to do. I was too weak and down that I didn't take proactive steps to enjoy the future, but rather trying to fix the past.
Instead of proactively listening and inventing new ways to surprise Casey and to show her I loved her, I did things that were good enough. I lived in the past for way too long and routinely did the same things with Casey. I apologized for my shortcomings and mistakes, but focused so much on preventing them that I didn't introduce anything new. Again, damage control, living in the past, and not enjoying the future. I couldn't move on from my mistakes in the relationship although I sincerely apologized each time. I beat myself down way too much because I cared about Casey so much that I played it way too conservatively safe and just solely tried to correct my faults. The jig got old and slowly we drifted apart in the relationship.
Instead, I should have looked forward and tried new things. As I've always told myself, "You only regret the things you didn't do." True enough, that was the case. During the years, I wanted to pick her up after she greeted me at the door, kiss her deeply, and tell her that I love her. I wanted to come up and hold from behind overlooking the sunset horizon at Assateague. Instead of apologizing for not calling her, I wanted to drive home even for just one night, give her surprise hug, and hold her through the night.
I've learned that lesson the hard way, and I lost dearly. I take that lesson to heart and I really enjoy the friendship with Casey.
You mean the world to me.
Question
What was the hardest lesson you've learned from a relationship? Why was it hard for you to learn?
Alfred Lord Tennyson once penned:
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Thus far in my limited life, I have loved once. And lost. It hurts. Heartache is true. The most agonizing and painful part of this love lost was seeing the distance slowly widening. Casey was a real special gal. I know it's cheesy and cliche and sensationalized, but once I felt "it," I just knew. I'm not trying to exaggerate, but she really had me at the first sight, at the first hello, at the smile, at the first of several 6 hour phone conversations that ended at 4AM. There was never a day that went by that I did not think of Casey and how lucky I was to be with the most wonderful gal.
But as med school loomed, I became preoccupied with the applications, the back up plans, the failures, and eventually med school itself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I really did. Rejections upon rejections. Dreams crushed again and again. Coming into college, I felt I was some big shot with 50 AP credits and believed I could finish undergrad in 2 years and matriculate into med school in 3. That plan was shot. I took a lot of flak from...myself. I incessantly dwelt on "Why can't I get into med school?" I beat myself up and slowly I desensitized myself from happiness only to mire in shortcomings. Instead of taking the negatives and turning them into positives and looking forward to new opportunities, I burdened myself with the grim past and obsessively tried to figure out damage control or spotty patchwork to somehow roll the train into the med school station.
This pitiful behavior slowly penetrated into various areas. I hit a block, a wall of self-pity and apathy brewed by my disappointment of med school applications and subsequently putting way way way way too much pressure and stress on myself to do exceptionally well in med school. I felt that each time I was short of reaching my expectations, I obsessed so much about what I did wrong and why I did wrong. I told myself, "You suck. Stop sucking. Why did you fuck up?" But, I never did anything to fix the underlying problem. Instead I patched the symptoms: maybe try to study earlier, maybe look into more activities...blah blah blah. The main underlying problem was: wallowing in the negatives and not moving on. Overthinking so much about the past that once the future comes, I don't know exactly what to do. I was too weak and down that I didn't take proactive steps to enjoy the future, but rather trying to fix the past.
Instead of proactively listening and inventing new ways to surprise Casey and to show her I loved her, I did things that were good enough. I lived in the past for way too long and routinely did the same things with Casey. I apologized for my shortcomings and mistakes, but focused so much on preventing them that I didn't introduce anything new. Again, damage control, living in the past, and not enjoying the future. I couldn't move on from my mistakes in the relationship although I sincerely apologized each time. I beat myself down way too much because I cared about Casey so much that I played it way too conservatively safe and just solely tried to correct my faults. The jig got old and slowly we drifted apart in the relationship.
Instead, I should have looked forward and tried new things. As I've always told myself, "You only regret the things you didn't do." True enough, that was the case. During the years, I wanted to pick her up after she greeted me at the door, kiss her deeply, and tell her that I love her. I wanted to come up and hold from behind overlooking the sunset horizon at Assateague. Instead of apologizing for not calling her, I wanted to drive home even for just one night, give her surprise hug, and hold her through the night.
I've learned that lesson the hard way, and I lost dearly. I take that lesson to heart and I really enjoy the friendship with Casey.
You mean the world to me.
Question
What was the hardest lesson you've learned from a relationship? Why was it hard for you to learn?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
#4: It's Sunny!
Scene
I've been following Casey's advice about jotting down various thoughts of ways I can improve to be happier. Although it may be too early to call it a success, but by having a tangible list of notes I can carry wherever I go, I have become a lot more aware of what makes me unhappy and what I can do to resolve problems as they arise. Without a doubt, I've let less problems build up and worry me down throughout the day. So far so good :0)
Last night, I took a shot in the dark and replied back to a friend who I haven't seen or spoken with in a long, long while. Like those oh so young high school days. I had a crush on her back then, which I dismally failed to express eloquently in a dignified manner. If there are any young'uns reading this, please do not confess your affection over electronics (texting, phone, internets). Walk up to your person of interest, strike up a real face to face conversation, and ask him/her out. Trust me on this.
So, although ironically I cowardly used the internets (AIM to be more specific. I know, shameful, but I was a real shy kid around girls), we've been friends throughout these years because of the internets with the advent of Facebook. Messaging back and forth and asking about life and med school application advice. After years, I finally had a light bulb moment and decided, why not? Through various scheduling conflicts, we worked out a meet up day. It's not a date, geez. Just a friendly catch up.
I surprised myself. Item #8 on my list: Think-->Do-->Stop thinking. I used to overthink a lot, which led me to avoid starting to resolve most of my problems. A lot of what ifs. The point is, do those what ifs even matter in the end if you don't actually do anything? No.
Question
When was the last time you just told yourself, "Hey, just do it" and did something that not only surprised you, but also had a surprising result?
I've been following Casey's advice about jotting down various thoughts of ways I can improve to be happier. Although it may be too early to call it a success, but by having a tangible list of notes I can carry wherever I go, I have become a lot more aware of what makes me unhappy and what I can do to resolve problems as they arise. Without a doubt, I've let less problems build up and worry me down throughout the day. So far so good :0)
Last night, I took a shot in the dark and replied back to a friend who I haven't seen or spoken with in a long, long while. Like those oh so young high school days. I had a crush on her back then, which I dismally failed to express eloquently in a dignified manner. If there are any young'uns reading this, please do not confess your affection over electronics (texting, phone, internets). Walk up to your person of interest, strike up a real face to face conversation, and ask him/her out. Trust me on this.
So, although ironically I cowardly used the internets (AIM to be more specific. I know, shameful, but I was a real shy kid around girls), we've been friends throughout these years because of the internets with the advent of Facebook. Messaging back and forth and asking about life and med school application advice. After years, I finally had a light bulb moment and decided, why not? Through various scheduling conflicts, we worked out a meet up day. It's not a date, geez. Just a friendly catch up.
I surprised myself. Item #8 on my list: Think-->Do-->Stop thinking. I used to overthink a lot, which led me to avoid starting to resolve most of my problems. A lot of what ifs. The point is, do those what ifs even matter in the end if you don't actually do anything? No.
Question
When was the last time you just told yourself, "Hey, just do it" and did something that not only surprised you, but also had a surprising result?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
#3: What's wrong with the world today
Scene
"Some advantages particular to this age are not to be denied. Boredom seems to have been vanquished. there is always something to do, but hasn't this translated into a perpetual distraction in our lives? In the bathroom. At the dinner table. In the backseat. At a wedding...There's always something to check, something to tweet, something to download, something to play, something to share, something to buy, something on a voicemail, something to yank at our attention span and it's all in the palm of our hand for a small monthly service fee. " - Tom Hanks at Yale's graduation 2011.
Please just put away your phones and devices. I have a tremendous pet peeve about people texting while I'm hanging out with them. I absolutely don't mind if they need to attend to family matters or emergency work issues. But, I've had people look down or away while I was in the middle of a conversation with them or while I'm actually saying something, only to have to repeat it after they finished reading or replying to the text. The intermittent head bob up and down to check the lit screen is infuriating sometimes. Like, seriously, here I am right in front of you, talking with you and sharing an experience with you, but you would have the inconsideration to look away and have a virtual interaction with someone else? Thanks a lot.
Question
Is having communication, entertainment, and resources all in the palm of your hand worth it? Especially when you're actually hanging out with people you care about?
"Some advantages particular to this age are not to be denied. Boredom seems to have been vanquished. there is always something to do, but hasn't this translated into a perpetual distraction in our lives? In the bathroom. At the dinner table. In the backseat. At a wedding...There's always something to check, something to tweet, something to download, something to play, something to share, something to buy, something on a voicemail, something to yank at our attention span and it's all in the palm of our hand for a small monthly service fee. " - Tom Hanks at Yale's graduation 2011.
Please just put away your phones and devices. I have a tremendous pet peeve about people texting while I'm hanging out with them. I absolutely don't mind if they need to attend to family matters or emergency work issues. But, I've had people look down or away while I was in the middle of a conversation with them or while I'm actually saying something, only to have to repeat it after they finished reading or replying to the text. The intermittent head bob up and down to check the lit screen is infuriating sometimes. Like, seriously, here I am right in front of you, talking with you and sharing an experience with you, but you would have the inconsideration to look away and have a virtual interaction with someone else? Thanks a lot.
Question
Is having communication, entertainment, and resources all in the palm of your hand worth it? Especially when you're actually hanging out with people you care about?
Monday, May 23, 2011
#2: Best Friend
Scene
For a very long while, I've been having a few best friends. The ones with whom you go to shoot the breeze, do reckless shenanigans, and have an unspoken unwavering support. But, it wasn't until about 2 years that I met Casey (not the real name, of course). Through the years, she's become my best friend. Not one of my best friends. Best friend. She has given me some of the fondest memories, the happy ones, the sad ones, the frustrating ones, and the peaceful ones.
She takes it and dishes it. She can read me before I've even finished thinking about myself. The absolute best characteristic about her is that she pushes and challenges me to become a better person although I can be obtusely stubborn and infuriatingly defensive. She's always stand by me even during and after I've blurted out things she never deserved to hear. On the flip side, she's always been at the absolute top of her game when I've help her to be a better person.
This first year in medical school has been one of the most challenging times in my life so far mainly because I need to grow up and learn to face my problems head on instead of sweeping them under the carpet. I really don't know how Casey does it, but she's stuck by me and, like a broken record, pushed me to man up, deal with my problems, be happy, and just live. Casey has always been there with me, through thick and thin.
I'm working hard to become improve my weaknesses and be happier. The emotional stress of med school is rough in addition to the work stress. I feel that I've never worked so hard and expend so much of my talent to be just...mediocre. I'm very tough on myself, sometimes too tough that I often have a one track mind to plow through my weaknesses and studies with unthoughtful brute force. Or, I often just freeze with disappointment and cram my problems into that horrible closet I never want to open.
It hurts when someone points out the root of my problems. There's an overwhelming sense of vulnerability and failure. But, the best friend has the audacity to knock you down to rubble and help you build a new self, a better self. For free. I know I need to resolve my problems with better finesse and I shouldn't ignore my problems anymore thanks to Casey.
Casey has been my main supporter through the first year. I don't think I would have gotten here without her. I'm forever grateful to be this lucky to have Casey as my best friend. Thank you.
Remember, folks, a best friend is free, but losing one costs dearly.
Question
What makes your best friend your best friend?
For a very long while, I've been having a few best friends. The ones with whom you go to shoot the breeze, do reckless shenanigans, and have an unspoken unwavering support. But, it wasn't until about 2 years that I met Casey (not the real name, of course). Through the years, she's become my best friend. Not one of my best friends. Best friend. She has given me some of the fondest memories, the happy ones, the sad ones, the frustrating ones, and the peaceful ones.
She takes it and dishes it. She can read me before I've even finished thinking about myself. The absolute best characteristic about her is that she pushes and challenges me to become a better person although I can be obtusely stubborn and infuriatingly defensive. She's always stand by me even during and after I've blurted out things she never deserved to hear. On the flip side, she's always been at the absolute top of her game when I've help her to be a better person.
This first year in medical school has been one of the most challenging times in my life so far mainly because I need to grow up and learn to face my problems head on instead of sweeping them under the carpet. I really don't know how Casey does it, but she's stuck by me and, like a broken record, pushed me to man up, deal with my problems, be happy, and just live. Casey has always been there with me, through thick and thin.
I'm working hard to become improve my weaknesses and be happier. The emotional stress of med school is rough in addition to the work stress. I feel that I've never worked so hard and expend so much of my talent to be just...mediocre. I'm very tough on myself, sometimes too tough that I often have a one track mind to plow through my weaknesses and studies with unthoughtful brute force. Or, I often just freeze with disappointment and cram my problems into that horrible closet I never want to open.
It hurts when someone points out the root of my problems. There's an overwhelming sense of vulnerability and failure. But, the best friend has the audacity to knock you down to rubble and help you build a new self, a better self. For free. I know I need to resolve my problems with better finesse and I shouldn't ignore my problems anymore thanks to Casey.
Casey has been my main supporter through the first year. I don't think I would have gotten here without her. I'm forever grateful to be this lucky to have Casey as my best friend. Thank you.
Remember, folks, a best friend is free, but losing one costs dearly.
Question
What makes your best friend your best friend?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
#1: Welcome
Why hello there! Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I am 22. I am young although some days I feel in my joints the rain coming. I am a medical student currently finishing up the 1st year. I have somewhat of a busy "life" consisting of mainly studying, watching Top Gear, and taking long walks on the beach.
This blog used to be about sharing my experiences during med school and reviews about relatively inexpensive diverse wines that fit into a med student's budget. However, having experienced nearly a year in med school, I felt that "life" is kind of passing me by. I'm not talking about missing out on parties and shananigans that 20-something year olds would and could do. I'm talking about putting myself out there to be exposed to and learn from different people and cultures. When you're med student, time is quite limited (trust me, you'll hear more about this later), but I have this wish to travel, meet people, and hear what they have to say.
Thus, my intention with this blog is to describe situations I'm going through, feelings that I feel, and musings that pop into my wandering thoughts as I sit through a lecture about Waardenberg Syndrome (usually autosomal dominant, but some types are autosomal recessive). I don't want to feel confined to my dark dungeon wallowing in the miseries of incessant higher education. I want to learn from what people have to say or at least be aware of different perspectives. I want to have "life", my life specifically to be "examined." I just don't have time to meet "everyone." This is where the interweb comes into play.
This is how it's going to be:
a) I set the scene with my reactions and thoughts based on one of my meandering experiences Look, they're reactions and thoughts, NOT necessarily what I believe in. A lot of stuff will be trivial, but I believe these trivial matters are important to savor when I'm young and don't have mortgages, kids, and adult shtuff to deal with. A good number of topics will be medically related because I'm a med student if haven't noticed.
b) You, in a civilized manner, share your take on things. NO three or FOUR or five letter words (you know what those words are). NO statements that are derogatory, bigoted, racially offensive, sexist in intent. Look, the important word is intent. Some topics may be a bit on the edge, but we're all adults on the internets, so play nice. Understand that different people have different points of views because of their different experiences. I will do the same. If something horrible is said, go sit in the corner and then apologize sincerely. No, but really, apologize and learn from the mistake. Just respect people and their points of view, ok? Please, don't post "First." I ask you nicely not to do that. (Not nice way: That's dumb. Don't do that.)
That's it. I share things with you and you share things with me. I'm young and I want to grow and learn from this. So, teach me and share. Have fun. Shoot the breeze.
Read on for the first topic.
Scene
I was driving my 3rd year med student roommate last night in the drizzling rain to the train station. We got on to the topic of how much work it takes to become a doctor, not just to be a doctor. The discussion quickly turned to if, based on merit and responsibilities, doctors should be paid more?
I think that doctors should definitely be paid more. Look, I don't know exact salary numbers or financial figures about insurance or malpractice, but I would venture to say most physicians make in the range of hundreds of thousands. However, I feel that doctors have a huge encompassing responsibility: caring for an individual's health and well-being, whether it be physical or mental health. That's a tremendously huge responsibility on their shoulders because if they don't, people can die. Like, poof, dead, gone, no more. Gone gone.
On top of having a lives in their hands, doctors accumulate tens or hundreds of thousands in debt for medical education (excluding the possibility of undergrad loans), just so that they can become qualified to do their job. That's a huge commitment to begin with and will eventually be offset...in years later on when more personal adult responsibilities kick in.
Then, I compared salaries to, for example, athletes, entertainers, and even bankers/financial folks. In these fields, when you make it big, you make it big. Millions. Tens of millions. Hundreds of millions. To compare responsibilities, shooting a ball into a hoop, autotuning your voice for a Platinum record, and taking bailout money for bonuses. These responsibilities just seem, to me, of much smaller merit to that of handling the tangible lives of people (hey, I didn't say no merit, just much smaller).
Question
Am I nuts? Is my view skewed because there is so much more exposure to a few successful not-doctor millionaires? Do doctors actually make millions? Should doctors be paid more based on merit and value of their service to society? Which other jobs/careers should be paid more? Explain. If not, explain why not. No character limit, but you're not going to write War and Peace or Don Quixote. (Looks like an essay prompt back in high school).
This blog used to be about sharing my experiences during med school and reviews about relatively inexpensive diverse wines that fit into a med student's budget. However, having experienced nearly a year in med school, I felt that "life" is kind of passing me by. I'm not talking about missing out on parties and shananigans that 20-something year olds would and could do. I'm talking about putting myself out there to be exposed to and learn from different people and cultures. When you're med student, time is quite limited (trust me, you'll hear more about this later), but I have this wish to travel, meet people, and hear what they have to say.
Thus, my intention with this blog is to describe situations I'm going through, feelings that I feel, and musings that pop into my wandering thoughts as I sit through a lecture about Waardenberg Syndrome (usually autosomal dominant, but some types are autosomal recessive). I don't want to feel confined to my dark dungeon wallowing in the miseries of incessant higher education. I want to learn from what people have to say or at least be aware of different perspectives. I want to have "life", my life specifically to be "examined." I just don't have time to meet "everyone." This is where the interweb comes into play.
This is how it's going to be:
a) I set the scene with my reactions and thoughts based on one of my meandering experiences Look, they're reactions and thoughts, NOT necessarily what I believe in. A lot of stuff will be trivial, but I believe these trivial matters are important to savor when I'm young and don't have mortgages, kids, and adult shtuff to deal with. A good number of topics will be medically related because I'm a med student if haven't noticed.
b) You, in a civilized manner, share your take on things. NO three or FOUR or five letter words (you know what those words are). NO statements that are derogatory, bigoted, racially offensive, sexist in intent. Look, the important word is intent. Some topics may be a bit on the edge, but we're all adults on the internets, so play nice. Understand that different people have different points of views because of their different experiences. I will do the same. If something horrible is said, go sit in the corner and then apologize sincerely. No, but really, apologize and learn from the mistake. Just respect people and their points of view, ok? Please, don't post "First." I ask you nicely not to do that. (Not nice way: That's dumb. Don't do that.)
That's it. I share things with you and you share things with me. I'm young and I want to grow and learn from this. So, teach me and share. Have fun. Shoot the breeze.
Read on for the first topic.
Scene
I was driving my 3rd year med student roommate last night in the drizzling rain to the train station. We got on to the topic of how much work it takes to become a doctor, not just to be a doctor. The discussion quickly turned to if, based on merit and responsibilities, doctors should be paid more?
I think that doctors should definitely be paid more. Look, I don't know exact salary numbers or financial figures about insurance or malpractice, but I would venture to say most physicians make in the range of hundreds of thousands. However, I feel that doctors have a huge encompassing responsibility: caring for an individual's health and well-being, whether it be physical or mental health. That's a tremendously huge responsibility on their shoulders because if they don't, people can die. Like, poof, dead, gone, no more. Gone gone.
On top of having a lives in their hands, doctors accumulate tens or hundreds of thousands in debt for medical education (excluding the possibility of undergrad loans), just so that they can become qualified to do their job. That's a huge commitment to begin with and will eventually be offset...in years later on when more personal adult responsibilities kick in.
Then, I compared salaries to, for example, athletes, entertainers, and even bankers/financial folks. In these fields, when you make it big, you make it big. Millions. Tens of millions. Hundreds of millions. To compare responsibilities, shooting a ball into a hoop, autotuning your voice for a Platinum record, and taking bailout money for bonuses. These responsibilities just seem, to me, of much smaller merit to that of handling the tangible lives of people (hey, I didn't say no merit, just much smaller).
Question
Am I nuts? Is my view skewed because there is so much more exposure to a few successful not-doctor millionaires? Do doctors actually make millions? Should doctors be paid more based on merit and value of their service to society? Which other jobs/careers should be paid more? Explain. If not, explain why not. No character limit, but you're not going to write War and Peace or Don Quixote. (Looks like an essay prompt back in high school).
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